Updated: Feb 11
Do you ever have those days as a mom...
You know the ones where the devil robs you of the joy of raising your children. The days where all you can think about is “will they ever get along?” “ why does he never want anything green to eat?” “ where is this sassy talk coming from and why does it always happen in front of people?” Being a mama is hard but especially on those days that you are constantly reminding yourself of how hard it is and how tired you are. And the worst- those days when they’re so good... those moments when you look at them across the room and ask God,” why me?” “ why did you put them with me? They deserve so much more. They deserve “that mom” They’re smart, brilliant even, kind and good humans. Was this a joke that you gave them to me? I have no idea what in the heck I’m doing.. they deserve more. They deserve ‘ that mom’. God I am so so very grateful for them but please don’t let me screw them up. They’re so perfect now.” I think those days are worse because you almost feel guilt for having such a beautiful, undeserved, blessing.
This morning Charlotte was on cloud 9 because she is this weeks ‘Star Student’ for her kindergarten class. We have been celebrating and calling her “Miss Star Student” all weekend. She had to do a poster. We picked out her favorite color poster board on Saturday (green) and wrote her name on it. She wanted to add stickers and we had to print pictures. I promised I would get her favorite ones printed. We put the poster on the table and continued the weekend with activities and work to prep for our Valentines at the bakery. With all of my craziness I let the weekend get away from me. Flash forward to Sunday night where the Walmart picture kiosk was down, to early hours Monday morning of her daddy going to the cake shop to print the pictures and the ink cartridge is low... he walks in with the pictures and we rush to put them on the board. I remember looking over at her, although rushed she was still on cloud 9, but all I could think was “ She’s going to be late. She was late once last week too. I’ve been up since 5am.. why didn’t I do better? Her bow won’t stay in all day. I should have done better when she was a baby keeping them in. People told me that and I didn’t listen. The other girls have bows in in the pick up car line. I hope she doesn’t feel like I’ve failed. I saw the kids poster last week in the hallway. I hope that she doesn’t compare it and think his is better. I promised stickers.. I hope she doesn’t realize there’s not many on here...” The whole time I’m smiling at her but my own voice is loud in my head. She looked at me and smiled. That big beautiful, light up a room, one dimple smile.. She grabbed the red marker out of my hand and drew one last heart and said,” that one is for you Mama. It’s the best heart I’ve ever made.” In all of our crazy late-ness I kissed her on the head, put her jacket on and wished her a wonderful day. As she ran to the car with her dad she looked back at me with the over sized poster board and smiled, that big beautiful, one dimple smile. I closed the door and thought, “ Lord thank you. I don’t deserve her.” I went to the bathroom to make myself look human. Most days it’s a ponytail or hat for this baker but today I needed to look better than I felt on the inside. I turned on the curling iron and sprayed a little (a lot) of dry shampoo in my hair and thought, “ how did you let yourself go old girl?” As I pulled up my first strand of hair I saw it... stamped straight on my arm was the ‘ most perfect heart she had ever drawn’ Just for me. The marker ink was still wet and I guess I put my arm in it. The noise in my head stopped.. I looked at myself and I felt as though the Lord was speaking straight to me... “ It doesn’t matter what you think you are, Kendall. I am the great I am. And I live in there... in side that body that is you. I am still in here. “ I then recited Jeremiah 29:11 to myself. He gave me those blonde headed babies, the brilliant ones, the ones with the dimples like their daddy... And I am worthy to have them because I am His. I refuse to let the devil steal my joy, to steal my big beautiful smiles, to steal my motherhood. It goes by too fast and I don’t want anymore time kidnapped. I refuse to let him rob my thoughts and try to convince me that I am less than deserving of my babies, the ones I prayed for for so many years. The ones that their daddy and I made. So today I will wear a little red heart on my arm and I will remind myself that I am a child of God and God gave me those babies... no one else but this mess that is me.
Remember Friends there’s always a reason for C.A.K.E.